In an age where we can instantly message someone across the globe, scroll through hundreds of social media updates, and join online communities in seconds, you might assume we are more connected than ever. But the opposite often feels true. Loneliness has become one of the defining psychological challenges of modern life. Many people report feeling isolated even while surrounded by technology designed to connect us. Why?
One of the most compelling explanations comes from psychologist Dr. Adam Dorsay, who recently joined me on the Mind Tricks Radio podcast to talk about a framework he developed around what he calls the four kinds of connection. His idea is simple but powerful: human well-being depends on multiple layers of connection, and when one or more of those layers weakens, our sense of fulfillment can start to unravel.Let’s explore those four forms of connection.
Connection to Others
This is the most obvious kind of connection, yet paradoxically it is the one many people struggle with most. Despite living in an era of constant communication, many adults report having fewer close friendships than previous generations. People move cities more often, work remotely, and increasingly rely on digital interaction instead of face-to-face relationships. The result is a strange paradox: we are surrounded by people and yet still feel alone. Real connection with others requires effort. It means reaching out to friends, making time to meet in person, and sometimes tolerating the awkwardness or vulnerability that comes with social interaction. Many people avoid reconnecting with old friends because they worry the other person may not feel the same way. Others assume they are simply too busy. But meaningful connection doesn’t require hours of time. Sometimes even a short phone call or brief conversation can restore a sense of closeness. Human beings are social creatures. We simply function better when we feel that someone else is in our corner.
Connection to Self
If connection to others is the most visible form of connection, connection to self may be the most overlooked. This is the inner relationship we have with our own identity, interests, and motivations. Many people lose touch with themselves without realizing it. They choose careers, lifestyles, or goals based on expectations from family, society, or social media rather than what genuinely energizes them. One useful question to ask yourself is simple: Does this make me feel alive?
When we are aligned with our authentic interests, we experience a sense of vitality. Time moves quickly, curiosity increases, and the activity feels intrinsically rewarding. Psychologists call this intrinsic motivation — doing something because you genuinely enjoy it rather than because of external rewards. When people become disconnected from themselves, that vitality disappears. They may feel chronically uncertain, drained, or stuck. Reconnecting with yourself often involves paying attention to the activities, ideas, or environments that naturally spark your curiosity and energy.
Connection to the World
The third layer of connection extends beyond our immediate relationships and personal identity. It includes our relationship with the broader world around us. Work is a major component of this category. Most people spend tens of thousands of hours working over the course of their lives, so it is not surprising that work strongly influences our sense of purpose and connection. But connection to the world also includes things like community, culture, travel, and heritage. The neighborhoods we live in, the traditions we celebrate, and the communities we participate in all shape our sense of belonging. Even small interactions can strengthen this type of connection. Getting to know neighbors, volunteering, or simply participating in local events can transform the feeling of living somewhere into the feeling of belonging somewhere. In psychology, this sense of belonging is one of the strongest predictors of long-term well-being.
Connection to Something Greater
The fourth layer of connection is often the most profound. This is the feeling of being connected to something larger than yourself. For some people, that experience comes through religion or spirituality. For others, it emerges through nature, art, science, or moments of deep wonder. Psychologists often refer to this experience as awe. Awe occurs when we encounter something so vast or beautiful that it temporarily shifts our focus away from ourselves. Standing at the edge of the Grand Canyon, watching a solar eclipse, or seeing a breathtaking sunset can produce this effect. Research suggests that moments of awe reduce self-focused thinking and increase feelings of connection to others and the world. In other words, awe literally expands our perspective. In a culture that often encourages constant productivity and distraction, intentionally seeking moments of awe can be a powerful way to reconnect with life itself.
Why All Four Connections Matter
These four forms of connection are not separate silos. They interact with each other. A strong connection to yourself helps you form healthier relationships with others. A sense of belonging in the world strengthens your identity. Experiences of awe remind you that life is bigger than daily frustrations. When all four areas are present, people tend to feel grounded, engaged, and resilient. When several of them weaken at the same time, life can begin to feel empty even if everything looks fine on the surface. The encouraging news is that connection is not something that happens only by chance. It is something we can intentionally cultivate.
Call a friend. Pursue the interests that make you feel alive. Engage with your community. Pause long enough to notice the beauty around you. Small actions in each of these areas can gradually rebuild the network of connection that supports psychological well-being. And in a world that often feels fragmented, those connections may be the most important things we have.
FULL TRANSCRIPT
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Hey Adam. Welcome back. It’s great to see you.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Aaron, come on. This is something I’ve been looking forward to.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Me too. It’s been a while since we’ve done this. I think I’ve had you on the show three times in the past. We talked about adult friendships one time, which is one of your major areas of expertise that you like to talk about. We talked about positive psychology. And I think the last time was when COVID had just come out. We were talking about that because it was a tough time for people. Looking back over the old show notes, we were actually calling it coronavirus at that time. I don’t think we were even referring to it as COVID when we did that episode. That was interesting.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
We drank Corona beer in college, and coronavirus is a familiar word to us. That makes it all the more hilarious.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Since then you’ve been a busy man. You published this excellent book, Super Psyched, Unleash the Power of the Four Kinds of Connection, and Live the Life You Love. Super Psyched is also the title of your popular psychology podcast. Adam, it’s been out for about a year now or a little longer?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
It’s been about a year, almost a year and a half. You mentioned several times in the book that you’ve been a very important part of my history. You were the friend who turned my brain from the off position to the on position just through talking with you in the cafeteria back in college. We would close the place out and talk about things. You had the kind of brain that made sense to me and allowed my brain to show up. During our time as budding friends we had these really intellectually stimulating conversations. You introduced me to your vast knowledge of literature. We’d play pool and share music. It was a really vital time. It’s really cool that you’ve played the role that you have in my younger adult life and in my adult life. I describe this moment where you and I were having sushi in Waikiki. I was unfulfilled in my career and you told me it wasn’t too late to become a psychologist. I nearly jumped across the table telling you please let’s not talk about this anymore. Not so euphemistically, shut up. I don’t want to hear about this anymore. But you hung in there and eventually it wore me down. It’s become kind of a classic story.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
You looked like you were going to strangle me. I’m glad that it all worked out and you went the direction you did. Those times in the dining halls are fond memories of mine too. My son is going off to college next year. I told him some of my favorite times in college were just hanging out in the cafeteria with you after it had closed and everyone was gone. We’d talk about everything under the sun. Those were great times. I appreciated seeing myself mentioned a couple of times in your book. That was meaningful. I’ve also recommended the book to several of my patients who have benefited from it. Really great job. I’m super proud of you.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Thanks buddy. I appreciate it. It was twenty months of what I describe as heartbeats. It was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done but ultimately very fulfilling. It tested me in a way. Could I put out this kind of love letter to the reader that might be helpful? That was certainly my hope. So far the feedback has been really positive and it’s been meaningful to hear that. It’s the topic I had no choice but to write about. Irvin Yalom said every book he ever wrote bit him in the ass. I thought that was a powerful image, like a pit bull seizing the pant leg of a person. This word connection felt like that. It felt like this was the space to be investing those heartbeats in writing about.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Sure. We can definitely tell the passion you have for the subject. That came through in the book. Let’s dig into it. The concept of connection in the world we live in now is strange because if you think about it we’re more connected technologically than ever. We have social media. We can instantaneously connect with people all around the world. Globally speaking we’re interconnected. It’s easy to go places and connect with people if you want to or need to. Yet we have this crisis in connection. People talk about being lonely. Mental health issues are on the rise. At a broad level, what is going on?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
It’s a paradox. We are more connected than ever technologically and yet loneliness rates are higher than ever before. It’s been considered by many a crisis and in the worst cases it can lead to premature death. In day to day cases people feel unaffiliated and lonely. There is a big difference between loneliness and solitude. Solitude is something many of us enjoy. The joy of being alone, going for a hike by yourself, chosen solitude. Loneliness is a toxic feeling where you feel like nobody is in your corner or there is nobody with whom to connect. All types of mental and physical health issues seem to emerge from that. From where I sit it seems highly correlated with the rise of social media and the iPhone. Both of those are neutral technologies in and of themselves and have positive aspects as does any technology. A knife can be used to light up a hospital and provide life saving services or it can be used to kill someone. These tools are neutral. But people are using them as proxies. The human brain has a cognitive bias to go for what’s easy. We’ve been more likely to survive if we go with what’s easy. Our brains are about thirty five to seventy thousand years old in their current form, but our external realities have changed dramatically. Going for what’s easy such as social media rather than going for what’s hard, reaching out to a friend even by phone but ideally in person, requires a lot of activation energy. It requires scheduling it, getting out of your comfortable chair, leaving the streaming media behind, getting in your car, fueling it up, finding parking, and dealing with all the inconveniences along the way. We took those things for granted in the past. Now that we can like somebody’s post on social media we believe we’re getting the same social rewards but we’re not getting even one one hundredth of those rewards. People really do need people.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
The methods of connecting on the surface appear easier but they’re actually a lot more complicated because of all these factors you’re talking about. That makes sense. In your book you give lots of examples of patients. Some of them had permission to be described and some were fictionalized. In your clinical work what does disconnection actually look like at a clinical level?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
In many ways. It depends on which aspect of connection we’re talking about, whether it’s connection with self, others, the world, or something greater. Let’s talk about friends since you and I are friends and we live fairly far away in different time zones. The average person I see has lived in three or more places. They may have been born in the Midwest, gone to school on the East Coast, had their first job in Texas, and now they are working here in Silicon Valley. In each place they left behind friends they swore they would stay in touch with. They say we’ll be different, we’ll stay in touch. But they didn’t because staying in touch is not easy. It takes intention and discipline. I see all these very friendable people in my office who say they are lonely. They say they have no friends. They say they left friends behind in every stage of life. They are afraid to pick up the phone because they worry the other person won’t feel the same way or that they are in different places in life. They imagine reconnecting and finding out it isn’t so great. They come up with many reasons not to reach out. Sometimes they say they are too busy. Even though we know that even a five or ten minute phone call has powerful effects. Stevie Wonder got it right. We don’t have to have a reason to call someone. We can call just to say I love you.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That makes sense. I remember those late night conversations we used to have in college when the lights were out and you could talk about things you might not say face to face. Even now we can still do that by phone, but people seem to be using their phones for everything except actually talking.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. I’m a big fan of using the phone for that if geography makes it hard to see people in person. Ideally we would spend time together face to face, either in small groups or one on one, but if distance makes that hard, even a phone call can help. My friend and colleague Britt Frank says that some of us have different feeding schedules when it comes to social contact. Some people are like hummingbirds. They need to see their friends constantly. I think you probably remember one of the guys we used to hang out with who wanted to party every night. That was his feeding schedule. It definitely wasn’t mine.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
I remember exactly who you’re talking about.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
On the other hand there are people whose feeding schedules are more like scorpions or gila monsters. Those animals don’t need to eat very often. Some people don’t need to see their friends very frequently. They may be more comfortable spending time alone, but even they still need social contact once in a while. We all need to know what our own feeding schedule is and then try to maintain connections accordingly. That would be what I call a level two connection, connecting with others.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Right, connection to others is one of the four types of connection you talk about. What distinguishes a real connection from just proximity? I imagine a lot of the people you’re talking about in Silicon Valley have plenty of people around them, but something still isn’t working for them.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
I remember living in Osaka. I had never been around more people in my life, and I had also never been more lonely. Being surrounded by people doesn’t necessarily reduce loneliness. Some of the loneliest experiences happen when we are at a party and we feel like we are connecting with no one. Or when we are in a relationship but feel estranged from our partner. That can feel even lonelier than being alone by choice.
Here in Silicon Valley there are many people who are more introverted. The tech industry tends to attract people who are comfortable spending time alone. They might smile and say hello but prefer to keep walking. That doesn’t mean they don’t want company. It just means their social feeding schedules might be less intense.
Another risk I see is that many people here are less tolerant of failure. They’ve succeeded academically and professionally for most of their lives. Because of that, they may be reluctant to risk rejection. But forming friendships sometimes involves failure. Sometimes you meet someone and the connection just isn’t there. Or you like someone and they don’t feel the same way. Many people who have experienced a long series of successes aren’t comfortable with that possibility.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s interesting because it’s similar to learning a new skill or language. You have to be willing to look a little foolish while you’re learning.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. When people learn a new language they have to be willing to sound awkward. You speak multiple languages and I speak a few as well. The reason we learned them is because we were willing to pay the price of looking clumsy while learning. People often appreciate the effort you’re making rather than judging you.
The same thing is true when trying to connect with others. You have to take the risk.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
What about romantic relationships? What do you think most commonly erodes connection there or prevents partners from connecting as deeply as they could?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
I think there are two major issues: selection and maintenance. During the early stage of a relationship we experience what psychologists call limerence. That’s the honeymoon phase when everything feels magical and we imagine that the relationship will always feel that way.
Popular culture reinforces that belief. Many Disney movies end with the phrase “happily ever after,” but real relationships don’t work that way.
One of the ideas I love comes from Erich Fromm in his book The Art of Loving. He said that love is not just a feeling. It is a willingness to override our own narcissism for the sake of the relationship. I’m paraphrasing, but that’s the essence.
When people are selecting a partner they sometimes assume the relationship will fix itself over time. They might think, “I hope those negative traits will go away.” Or they feel social pressure to get married because it seems like the right stage of life.
Many people tell me they had doubts even when they were proposing to their future spouse, but they felt pressure from family or from their partner.
Then there’s the maintenance phase. One of the hardest things in a relationship is letting go of the need to be right. We all enjoy being right. But maintaining a healthy relationship often requires putting the relationship above our own ego.
That sometimes means going to couples therapy. Sometimes it means having vulnerable conversations that feel uncomfortable but lead to greater intimacy.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That makes a lot of sense. I want to ask about vulnerability because psychologists talk about that concept constantly. Being vulnerable is supposed to allow others to empathize with us and connect with us. But I’m curious whether vulnerability is sometimes overstated. People have different personalities and comfort levels. There may even be gender differences. What are your thoughts?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
It depends on the type of relationship. For example, you might have a neighbor across the street where the relationship is based on simple mutual support. You might loan each other a cup of sugar or make sure the other person’s car lights aren’t left on. That relationship can be positive without requiring deep vulnerability.
But with closer relationships, vulnerability becomes much more important. We usually have a good instinct for who we can safely be vulnerable with.
I recently asked an intimacy expert what the word intimacy actually means. Many people think of intimacy as something purely sexual, but that’s not accurate. His answer was simple and powerful: intimacy is vulnerability met well.
One of the reasons you and I developed a strong friendship is that we didn’t have to present perfect versions of ourselves to each other. We could show our less polished sides and still enjoy each other’s company.
Carl Rogers talked about unconditional positive regard. Good friendships often have that same quality.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Right. If everyone on the television show Friends tried to appear perfect all the time there would be no show.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. The show worked because the characters revealed their vulnerabilities. They showed their flaws. That’s what allowed the audience to connect with them.
I think it’s important that everyone have at least one person in their life with whom they can be fully authentic.
One problem I see in modern relationships, particularly among men, is that they rely too heavily on their romantic partner for all their emotional support. Esther Perel has talked about this. In the past people lived in villages and had many different relationships for different needs.
Now we often expect one partner to fulfill every role in our social life. That’s too much pressure for one person.
So if we truly care about our partners, we should also maintain friendships outside the relationship.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That reminds me of the idea of the old village where people would gather in the center of town to talk about their problems. That kind of communal interaction doesn’t really exist anymore.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s true. Today we often try to replicate that by posting complaints on social media and hoping people respond with agreement. But what we really want is for someone to look us in the eye and say, “You’re not alone. I understand.”
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Adam, let’s talk about connection to self now. This is an interesting one. The connection to others category is fairly obvious and I think we did a nice job talking about that. But these other categories aren’t always as obvious to people. Let’s go through them. When you talk about the importance of connection to self, what does that actually mean in practical terms?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
For the sake of taxonomy, if we imagine connection as a target with four rings, the center would be the self. How well we connect to ourselves informs all the other connections. The second ring is connection to others, which includes friends, partners, pets, and groups. The third level is connection to the world. That includes work, community, and ancestry. The fourth level is connection to something greater. For some people that might be religion. Even for the most committed atheist it might be standing at the Grand Canyon or the Taj Mahal and feeling awe. Watching a sunset and taking in the wonder of the world.
Connecting to ourselves can be difficult because we have many internal blocks. One of them is something we were just talking about indirectly, the spotlight effect. We imagine other people are paying more attention to us than they actually are.
This is a silly example, but the reason I didn’t have a bike in college was because I was afraid people would look at me and think I looked ridiculous riding a bike. Nobody would have cared. I’m over six feet tall and I imagined I’d look like a spectacle riding around campus. That self-consciousness prevented me from doing something I might have enjoyed.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
So basically self-judgment and self-consciousness.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. It sounds like a trivial example but it applies to many areas of life. We often stop ourselves from doing things because we worry about what other people will think. As Theodore Roosevelt once said, people would stop worrying about what others think of them if they realized how seldom others think about them at all. Most people are focused on themselves.
Another way we disconnect from ourselves is by choosing paths based on external expectations. Someone might choose a college major because their family approves of it or because they think it will impress others rather than because it truly interests them.
Fortunately I see some positive change in younger generations. Many students today seem more willing to pursue what genuinely excites them. That gives me hope.
We also create curated versions of ourselves on social media. We present an idealized persona rather than showing who we really are. That can make it harder to understand our authentic selves.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
So authenticity is really what you’re describing. Being honest with yourself about who you are and what genuinely brings you fulfillment.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s right. It’s about understanding what makes you feel alive. You and I chose very different places to live at different points in our lives, but both choices were authentic for us. You went to Nepal and I went to Japan. Those experiences shaped us because they were aligned with who we were at that time.
If I had simply followed your path because you were doing it, that wouldn’t have been authentic for me. My choice to live in Japan was meaningful because it reflected my own curiosity and interests.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
I remember how meaningful that experience was for you. Japan became part of your identity in many ways.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
It did. And I can see the same thing when I look at you and see the Nepalese mask behind you. Those experiences become part of who we are.
When I raised my children I tried to help them discover who they were without interfering too much. It was difficult when my older son was choosing a college, but I stepped back and watched how he responded to different campuses. We know that the best predictor of success in college is not prestige but fit.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Absolutely.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Many people choose institutions based on reputation rather than personal fit, but the reverse is usually healthier.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
How would someone know if they’re disconnected from themselves? That’s kind of a strange question, but are there signs that someone might notice?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
There are many ways. One simple indicator is when someone repeatedly asks themselves whether they are doing the right thing. Occasional self-questioning is normal, but if that question comes up frequently it might indicate something is misaligned.
Another sign is when other people observe that you don’t seem enthusiastic or fulfilled by something you’ve chosen.
There are also physical and emotional indicators. Research in kinesiology suggests that when people say something that is true for them, they tend to demonstrate stronger physical responses than when they say something that is false.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
So what you’re saying is that sometimes people already know something isn’t right. The question is whether they acknowledge it or ignore it.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. Often there is a quiet internal awareness that something doesn’t feel right. The issue is whether we listen to that signal or suppress it.
One concept I find helpful is the idea of vitality. Does something make you feel alive?
Think about music. Sometimes we hear a song and immediately feel energized. The first time I heard the Beastie Boys in college I felt like my life had changed. There was a sense of vitality. No one needed to explain to me why it was exciting. My whole body reacted.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s a good example.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
There are other moments like that. When Psy released Gangnam Style years ago, it captured something similar. The song and video were so unusual and energetic that they created a feeling of excitement across cultures.
When something generates that sense of vitality, that’s often a signal that it’s aligned with who we are.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
So you’re saying people should pay attention to those feelings when they occur rather than dismissing them.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Yes. When something makes you feel energized, curious, or deeply engaged, it’s worth noticing. That feeling can guide us toward activities and paths that resonate with our authentic selves.
For example, when I was younger I considered a career selling radiological equipment like MRI machines. The financial rewards would have been substantial, but I wasn’t intrinsically interested in the field. I even subscribed to a newsletter about the equipment and found it boring.
Intrinsic motivation is different from extrinsic motivation. When we pursue something because we genuinely enjoy it, we naturally improve at it and feel more fulfilled.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s a great example. You always had a strong interest in psychology even before you formally pursued it as a career.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s true. Even before I became a psychologist, I loved studying psychology. I would read about it constantly. Eventually I realized that I couldn’t ignore that passion anymore.
I did consider many other possibilities at different points in my life, including running a laundromat. But the truth was that psychology was always the subject that genuinely fascinated me.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
And once you committed to it, you really followed through. You built a successful practice, started a podcast, and wrote a book. None of those things are easy.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s true. And some of those pursuits aren’t financially motivated. Podcasting, for example, doesn’t generate significant income for most people, but it brings me joy.
My children used to say they could always tell when I had just finished recording a podcast because I would come home full of energy and enthusiasm.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Adam, let’s talk about this connection to the world now. We’re getting a little more into territory that people may not immediately think about when they hear the word connection, but these are important parts of the framework you describe. What does connection to the world include? How do you define that?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
The first place I think of is work. A large part of our identity historically and currently comes from what we do for work. When someone asks what you do, you might answer by saying, “I am a psychologist,” or “I am a teacher,” or “I am an engineer.” That language tells you how deeply work is tied to our sense of identity. Given that we spend roughly ninety thousand hours of our lives working, it’s not surprising that work becomes a major component of how we experience connection to the world.
Connection to the world also includes travel. When we visit or live in a place, that place affects us. It opens different parts of our minds and experiences. You live in Hawaii and I visit Hawaii, and both of those experiences shape us in different ways. That interaction between ourselves and the environment becomes a form of connection.
Another part of connection to the world is ancestry. Maya Angelou once said you can’t know where you’re going unless you know where you’re from. Many people find meaning in understanding their heritage, their culture, or their family’s history. Cultural traditions can become a way of maintaining that connection.
For example, celebrating holidays like St. Patrick’s Day can be a way for Irish Americans to feel connected to their cultural roots. For Native Hawaiians, learning hula can be a way of keeping traditions alive. These cultural practices help people feel connected both to themselves and to the broader world around them.
Community is another important element. I’ve tried to get to know people in my neighborhood over the years. One of the interesting things I noticed after both of my dogs passed away was realizing how many relationships my dogs had helped create. Walking them introduced me to neighbors I might never have met otherwise.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s interesting. Pets can really be social bridges.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
They really can. Through my dogs I got to know many people in my neighborhood, not just their names but also details about their lives. That created a sense of community that felt meaningful.
Of course not everyone wants that level of neighborhood interaction. Some people prefer a smaller circle of friends or more privacy. That’s perfectly fine. The key idea is that each person should find the types of connections that feel authentic to them.
Sometimes that requires overcoming a little fear. Reaching out to neighbors or community members can feel awkward at first. There may be moments when you feel like you said something silly. That’s normal. Those small risks are often part of forming connections at any level.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
There are so many directions we could go with that topic. But I want to circle back to one piece you mentioned earlier, which is work. Work is a sensitive subject for many people. In my practice I often hear people complain about their jobs. They feel dissatisfied or stuck. They wish they were doing something else.
Work occupies such a large portion of our lives that it’s difficult when someone feels disconnected from it. As psychologists we often encourage people to pursue what feels meaningful to them. But the reality is that many people can’t simply quit their jobs and start something new.
So how do you help people navigate that tension?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s a very real challenge. Not everyone has the flexibility to completely change careers. I was fortunate in my situation because I was able to take out a home equity line of credit while I pursued my training as a psychologist. That allowed me to work low-paying positions for several years while working toward my license. Many people don’t have that option.
However, there are ways to reshape one’s relationship with work without leaving the job entirely. One approach comes from researcher Amy Wrzesniewski at Yale, who describes something called job crafting.
Job crafting involves modifying aspects of your role so that you can engage with it more meaningfully. For example, you might take on additional responsibilities that interest you or find ways to apply your strengths within your existing role.
When I was a bank teller during graduate school, I disliked the job at first. The eight-hour shifts felt endless. At that time I was reading Viktor Frankl’s book Man’s Search for Meaning. Frankl described how even in the extreme conditions of a concentration camp, people still had the freedom to choose how they interpreted their experiences.
That idea stayed with me. I realized that if Frankl could find meaning in those circumstances, I should be able to change how I approached a job I didn’t enjoy.
I began experimenting with my interactions at the bank. I saw about one hundred and twenty customers per day. I set a goal of making at least one hundred and nineteen of them smile during their transaction.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s a great challenge.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
It transformed the experience. Instead of feeling like a human ATM machine, I began seeing each interaction as a small opportunity to connect with someone. Over time people started choosing my line because they knew the interaction would be pleasant.
The job itself didn’t change. But the meaning I assigned to it changed. The shifts began to feel shorter and more engaging.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s a wonderful example of reframing a situation rather than escaping it.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. Sometimes the work itself doesn’t change, but how we engage with it can change dramatically.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
I also want to point out something about your own career path. You mentioned earlier that you took out a home equity line of credit in order to pursue graduate school. That was not an easy decision. I remember you worrying about the financial implications and the sacrifices involved.
You took a significant risk in order to pursue something that mattered deeply to you.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s true. It was a difficult decision. But one thing that made it possible was the support of my wife. You told me during that famous sushi dinner that she would have my back, and you were right. She supported me throughout that entire period.
Without that support I might not have been able to make the transition.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That connects back to the earlier category we discussed, connection to others.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. None of us achieves major life changes entirely alone. Our relationships often provide the foundation that allows us to take those risks.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Adam, let’s talk about the final area of connection that you discuss, which is connection to something greater. Earlier you mentioned that this doesn’t necessarily mean religion, although for some people it might. You also mentioned the idea of awe, which I thought was really interesting. What exactly is this connection to something greater, and why is it important?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
I’ve become very interested in the concept of awe. Awe has been around since the dawn of time, although different traditions have used different words for it. Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel referred to it as radical amazement. It’s the feeling you get when you watch a sunset and really allow yourself to experience it.
Awe requires a certain openness because sometimes people feel self-conscious expressing it. I remember the viral video years ago of the man reacting to a double rainbow. He was overwhelmed with excitement and wonder. Some people mocked him, but what he was experiencing was genuine awe.
One of the interesting things researchers have discovered is that awe actually reduces self-consciousness and increases social awareness. When people experience awe together, they often feel more connected with each other.
For example, during the solar eclipse in 2017 many people gathered in places where the eclipse was most visible. Strangers were hugging each other and sharing the experience. That kind of bonding doesn’t usually happen among strangers, but awe can create that effect.
Another fascinating discovery from neuroscience research is that the brain activity associated with awe resembles some of the patterns seen when people take substances like psilocybin. In both cases there is a reduction in the brain regions associated with self-focus. The difference is that awe can occur naturally without any external substances.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s fascinating. It’s almost like being temporarily lifted out of your usual self-centered perspective.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. Awe expands our awareness beyond ourselves. It reminds us that we are part of something larger.
There’s a phrase people sometimes use that life isn’t measured by the number of breaths we take but by the moments that take our breath away. Experiences of awe often feel like that.
I encourage people to actively look for opportunities to experience awe in their lives.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
So it’s almost like feeling connected to the universe in a broader sense. That could include nature, people, or spirituality depending on someone’s worldview.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
That’s a good way to describe it. It can involve nature, art, science, spirituality, or any experience that creates a sense of wonder. It’s essentially gratitude intensified.
When people lose their sense of awe, they can start taking extraordinary things for granted. Someone might live in Hawaii and say casually, “Just another day in paradise.” That mindset overlooks the remarkable beauty around them.
The same sense of wonder can exist anywhere, though. A sunset in Idaho can be just as breathtaking as a sunset in Hawaii if we allow ourselves to notice it.
Another example is simply reflecting on the improbability of our own existence. The statistical likelihood of any individual person being born is astonishingly small. When you consider how many variables had to align for any of us to exist, it becomes an awe-inspiring realization.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s something I often think about when I read about cosmology. The probability of life existing at all is incredibly small when you consider all the variables involved. The distance of Earth from the sun, the gravitational influence of the moon, the absence of catastrophic asteroid impacts at certain points in history, and many other factors all had to align.
When you think about it that way, it’s hard not to feel a sense of awe.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
Exactly. The fact that any of us exist at all is extraordinary.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Adam, this has been a really fun and meaningful conversation. Talking with you about these ideas feels a little like being back in the dining hall at Pitzer having long conversations late into the night.
Before we wrap up, do you have any final thoughts about connection that you’d like to leave listeners with?
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
I would encourage each person to discover their own connection formula. Each of us has a limited amount of time between our birth and our death, and the way we cultivate connection during that time can have a profound impact on our well-being.
While financial success and other achievements can be valuable, many people don’t think about those things at the end of their lives. What people tend to reflect on are their relationships and the connections they formed or didn’t form.
So my advice is to actively pursue the connections that matter most to you and try to leave nothing important unexpressed.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
That’s a powerful message. In my work with older patients I’ve seen how painful it can be when people reach later stages of life with significant regrets. Very few people say they wish they had worked more or made more money. More often they regret not investing enough in their relationships or personal fulfillment.
Helping people understand that earlier in life can make a huge difference in how they live.
Adam, thank you so much for coming back on the show. It’s always great to reconnect with you.
Dr. Adam Dorsay:
I always enjoy spending time with you, Aaron. We’ve been friends for a long time. From the moment I first met you at that pre-college event I knew we would be friends, and here we are all these years later.
Dr. Aaron Kaplan:
Likewise. Great to see you, Adam. Take care.
Discover more from Aaron Kaplan, Ph.D. -Psychotherapy and Evaluation and Services
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